- Telltale Signs of Spouses Who Lie About Money
- 1. Addiction
- 2. Revenge
- 3. Social pressure
- 4. Different values
- 5. Anxiety
- 6. Affairs
- 7. Self-preservation
- 11 Signs Your Husband Uses You Financially
- Financial Abuse In Marriage
- 1. Joint accounts but not really
- 2. No access to your finances
- 3. A lot of over-pricey stuff in the house
- 4. Anger because you spent money
- 5. You feel guilty and possibly a little scared
- 6. Doesn’t want to talk about finances with you
- 7. Revenge splurging
- 8. You cannot go over the given spending quota
- 9. You discover hidden debts
- 10. Inability to stick to a budget
- 11. Doesn’t of approve you working
- 6 Signs That Your Partner May Be Cheating On You
- 1. Your partner acts shady
- 2. Your partner begins to hide their electronic devices
- 3. Your partner uses cash or a secret card
- 4. Your loved one makes excuses to go out alone or “with friends”
- 5. Your partner is less emotionally and physically available
- 6. Emotional extremes start happening
Telltale Signs of Spouses Who Lie About Money
Financial infidelity — call it FI for short — appears to be widespread. A 2018 Harris Poll survey found that 41 percent of Americans who combine their finances with a spouse or partner admit to some form of misbehavior. An even bigger proportion of partnered people, about 75 percent, say that a relationship has been affected by financial deception.
Some stealth might not qualify as FI — say, the daily Frappuccino you don't tell your spouse about. Other occasional indulgences might merely be misdemeanors. “I definitely took shoes the shoebox before my husband came home so he wouldn't know I'd been shopping,” admits Moira Lawson, 60, a health-policy executive in Baltimore.
At the other end of the spectrum are major offenses — actions that, when they blow up, threaten a couple's financial security. That could mean borrowing or spending thousands of dollars, or cheating on taxes without a spouse's knowledge.
It could even mean scheming to undermine a current spouse's future finances, says one financial adviser.
Some of her female clients’ husbands secretly established residency in states with no minimums for child support or alimony, so if the marriage went south, they wouldn't have to pay up.
Financial experts, therapists and divorce lawyers agree: The reasons for FI tend to fall into several key categories. Here are seven of them.
Drugs, shopping, gambling — just about any type of compulsion that requires cash — can be the spark. “Addiction, and the shame that can go along with it, is one of the most common reasons for financial infidelity,” says Jane Greer, a New York City psychotherapist and author of How Could You Do This to Me?: Learning to Trust After Betrayal.
Carol, 61, a teacher in New Jersey, says that once her husband, Steve, kicked a drug addiction, he replaced it with a shopping habit: “When we were $30,000-plus in debt, and I was selling books to raise train fare to work, I used to find price tags from Steve's secretly purchased designer clothes deep in the recesses of the closet, the way you might find empty bottles if your spouse was an alcoholic.”
FI can be payback when one spouse feels betrayed. Tom, 63, a sales executive in Miami, says his wife became irate after he had a financial setback.
“When I asked for us to economize a bit, she acted as if I was breaking our marriage vows,” he remembers.
Her spending skyrocketed — she went behind his back to lease a BMW — until Tom decided his only chance for solvency was divorce. “It stopped the hemorrhaging,” he says.
3. Social pressure
In this Instagram-crazed world, where everyone's life looks better than yours, a money shortage can feel a disgrace you have to hide. Robin learned this after she and Mark, both in their 50s, had dated for a couple of years, then started sharing her New Jersey apartment.
“He was a charming business guy, very well dressed,” Robin recalls. “His house with his first wife was gorgeous.” Then, however, Mark's facade collapsed. He had gone bankrupt. His current work was quasi-illegal. “I don't think he was trying to scam me,” Robin says.
“But he completely misrepresented himself.”
4. Different values
Older couples often disagree about supporting adult children. “We all know how hard it is to watch our kids struggle,” notes New York City lawyer Jacqueline Newman, author of The New Rules of Divorce: Twelve Secrets to Protecting Your Wealth, Health, and Happiness. “So, one partner will fund the kid secretly.
” Recently she was involved in the divorce of a couple with an unemployed adult son, to whom the wife had been sneaking money. When the husband found out, he cut off the son, not restoring the money — even when his son had to sleep in his car — until he got a job. “Admittedly, it was a very nice car,” Newman adds.
“But the point is that during the marriage, the son had been a major source of secrecy and lies between the parents.”
Secret hoarding or spending can fulfill a deep emotional need, says Ed Coambs, a marriage and family therapist in Matthews, North Carolina, who works with couples in financial crisis.
Often, he explains, this behavior is not just a matter of deception but a coping mechanism stemming from childhood. Money hiders, for example, may come from families with boom-and-bust finances, never knowing whether they'd be living it up or scrimping.
As adults, he says, they might revert to their child emotional mindset.
Sexual infidelity and the financial kind can easily go hand in hand, in part because the money for the incidental expenses has to come from somewhere — secretly.
But even if financial misbehavior isn't funding the extramarital sex, they're often linked, Vasileff says.
“It's easier to be unfaithful in general,” she points out, “because the lies create isolation in the relationship.”
“Sometimes if your partner is very controlling, you can't reason with that person,” Greer observes. “By siphoning off money, you are not only taking care of yourself but separating yourself emotionally from a fraught situation. Several patients I work with have filtered money given to them for the household to secretly pay for therapy.”
11 Signs Your Husband Uses You Financially
Financial abuse is underrated compared to physical and emotional abuse but plays an equal part in bringing out the truth about your almost perfect man. A husband who uses you financially is as cruel as the one who beats his wife.
Financial abuse in marriage mostly results when one spouse uses finance to seek control over the relationship. Something as harmless as opening an account in your name or convincing you to hand over the financial accounting over are tell-tale signs of financial abuse. In a domestic scenario, financial abuse is almost always present with other kinds of domestic abuse.
A drunk husband beats his wife every night after drowning himself in alcohol and then swiping his wife’s cards to get more substance to abuse might look physical abuse with underlying tones of financial strain.
Gaslighting you to prove you are not stable enough to handle monetary issues is emotional and mental torment.
As much as we would to believe paisa haath ka mael hota hain and that with love in a relationship it doesn’t matter if you do not know where your savings keep getting lost, it rarely is the case.
Financial Abuse In Marriage
After marriage, it is normal to spend your spouse’s money. I mean…in sickness and in health, in poverty and in wealth and all that, right? Now, it’s all good when you both can account for the money the other is spending.
If you find your account balance dropping too fast, too soon every month, especially when you do not know where the money is going, you are in for a financial treat. And not the kind that’s sweet.
If your husband is charged with accounting and financial part of the household and he dodges the topic of paying the bills late or having to borrow money from his parents or your parents without you knowing about it, it doesn’t mean you are spending too much.
It means there’s something going on with finances that he doesn’t want you to know about.
Spending money on another woman might be the first thought that pops up in your head, but financial abuse can also come from online gambling, excessive spending on oneself or worst of all, financial infidelity.
Financial abuse is often accompanied by emotional and physical abuse. Financial conflict is an everyday thing in the marriage. The trust built will be lost because not only is your husband abusing you emotionally and physically but is also spending your hard – earned money. But not all financial abuse is done consciously.
Splurging on customizable bikes or vintage cars when you have to save up enough to get a new fridge is a sign of financial abuse. This just shows your spouse cares about his wants more than your joint needs. There can also be a chance that your narcissistic and controlling husband uses finance as a way to steer the relationship the way he wants to.
Without enough financial independence, it’s harder for you to move out or leave him.
Related reading: She had a better job, surely she had financial independence?
If everything feels a little too close to real life for you, if you have a gut feeling that the disappearing money is more his fault than yours, here are clear signs to clear your doubt.
Related reading: How Money Issues Can Ruin Your Relationship
1. Joint accounts but not really
Joint accounts are opened by married couples as a savings account from both to be used for household payments or for long-term investments – buying a car, buying a house etc. But most of the expenditure is by your husband and rarely for joint purposes. You seem to be losing more money from the account than you earn.
Related reading:Marriage and Money Problems: She was Calm but Something Was Amiss
2. No access to your finances
Probably a huge blinding red flag in marriage if you do not have access to your own accounts. Your ATM, your account, your UPI pin are all handled by your husband while you do not have access to his. When you don’t know how and where your money is going then this is something you seriously need to address. And this is what we understand by absolute financial abuse.
Related reading: Want to divorce my husband who borrowed money from people and left me and baby alone to face them
3. A lot of over-pricey stuff in the house
Did you think you could really afford the double door smart fridge that is currently sitting in your kitchen? Do you think the vintage bike stays in the pristine condition because your husband cleans it every day? The Apple watch he ordered the other day seems something a lot of money can buy. But you do not have that kind of money…so where did that come from?
A lot of over-pricey stuff in the house
Looking at all the expensive stuff in your place all at the same time, especially when you have no access to your account, your husband doesn’t want to “burden” or want you to “worry about it” makes you wonder about the kind of work your husband does. Put all these anxious thoughts in your head and put one and one together and you might have a financial debt to pay off later in life.
Related reading: How to be Financially Independent as a Married Woman
4. Anger because you spent money
Does your husband show visible anger if you spend money to buy a new saree or a new pair of sneakers? You know it cannot be money trouble because you earn enough to run a household. So, while you cannot judge where the anger is coming from especially when he splurges on things he can live without.
The anger is due to the fact that he cannot control your spending. You spending money means lesser money left for him to spend.
Also, digital monitoring of your expenditure and anger resulting from it means he has clear signs of gaining financial control over your life. Big, big, big red flag.
5. You feel guilty and possibly a little scared
Minimal spending makes you feel guilty about it. And possibly a little scared because you know your husband will find out about it.
6. Doesn’t want to talk about finances with you
Apart from taking over the financing of the household, your hubby does not entertain any open discussions about money. If you have noticed a significant drop in account balance and ask him about it, the answers are unreliable and flimsy.
He is dating you for the money
No clear answer is given, no passbook is produced and worst of all, you were not notified. If he intentionally dodges your general query about finances, it means he is not only callous with money but is not caring enough, or thoughtful enough in informing his wife about his spending.
Related reading: How money issues can ruin your relationship
7. Revenge splurging
You got a new phone because your old phone was decades old with a broken screen? Alright then! I will get the Dell Alienware because …just. This kind of revenge splurging is not hard to miss and if this kind of behavior follows a pattern, better get help.
Related reading: Love conquers all but sometimes money conquers love
8. You cannot go over the given spending quota
Therapists talk about how many a time one of the partners is given an “allowance” for weekly spending. If your husband sets a weekly limit for you for spending, get out. And get out fast. Allowance is to be given by a parent to a child. A marital relationship where both earners do not have the same right on the money is a troubling marriage.
Now, if you have a spending problem and exceeding credit limits, then you seriously need to take the matter in your hands. Talk to a couples’ counsellor if your husband is not willing to listen to you. Do it quick before he brings down your allowance for the week.
Related reading: Is my married lover with me just for sex and money?
9. You discover hidden debts
So you managed to get your hands on your husbands’ expenses and turns out his loans are bigger than the iceberg that sank Titanic. He might also have borrowed money from friends and haven’t been able to pay them back yet.
The debts are piling up and as his wife, you are too, financially burdened now. What’s worse is that he never mentioned this crushing debt in his name.
Feel cheated enough yet? It must feel you do not even know who is this man you married.
10. Inability to stick to a budget
You might be the kind of person who still collects her pocket full of change in a piggy bank. You have great money management skills and sticking to a budget is more of a responsibility than a want. But your husband either refuses to or doesn’t want to stick to a budget. He has no money management idea and no knowledge of sustainable spending.
His inability to stick to a budget always makes you compromise on your spending.
11. Doesn’t of approve you working
If your husband does not approve of you earning your own money the feminist in you has to see the problem. Often financial abusers tend to be in power by being the sole earner and possibly the sole spender in the relationship. This toxic trait is nefarious and if you love your husband try getting professional help before it turns too sour.
Financial abuse is very common and real. Seek professional help for your husband if you intend to fix the situation. If not, it’s better to find a way out for yourself. Get help from a friend if you ever intend to walk out on your abuser. Stay positive and stay strong.
Related reading: What is more important in couple relationship —money or identity?
How Much Money Should My Husband Give Me?
Emotional abuse- 9 signs and 5 coping tips
Financial assistance for divorced moms
6 Signs That Your Partner May Be Cheating On You
What are the signs that your spouse may be cheating? Sometimes you know, and sometimes you don’t. When infidelity happens in a marriage or other committed relationship, one of the worst parts can be all the lies.
Someone you have loved for so long suddenly is keeping secrets, and it hurts. The big question, why is your spouse cheating?
First, realize that there are many ways to cheat, and there are many signs of a cheating partner in a relationship. There can be both emotional infidelity and physical infidelity signs.
There doesn’t seem to be a huge difference between infidelity signs in a woman or infidelity signs in a man; though each person is different. Trust your gut.
Some cheating partners do end up telling their significant other, but many don’t. So how do you find out if your spouse is cheating or not?
If you suspect something is going on with your significant other, here are 6 signs your partner may be cheating on you.
1. Your partner acts shady
This is a pretty general statement because what is shady to one person may not be shady to the next. You know your partner best. Is he or she suddenly acting… weird? Secretive? Angry? Giddy?
Changes in mood and behavior are good indications that something is going on. Now you need to find out what. If your partner is becoming more emotionally invested in another person, then he or she may become closed off and share less with you.
If your partner is becoming physically intimate with another person, he or she may want to spend less intimate time with you. A key sign of a cheating spouse is that your partner may be acting the ordinary.
While changes in their behavior could be related to many things, including simply feeling stressed, it could be something more as well.
2. Your partner begins to hide their electronic devices
Another sign your spouse is cheating on you is when they keep their electronic devices hidden or locked away.
When cheating happens, the guilty party may want to cover their tracks—especially if they are communicating frequently with another person.
This can happen with emotional infidelity when your spouse is falling for someone else and communicating a lot, or it could happen with physical infidelity because they may set up meeting times.
That is why when infidelity happens, electronic devices suddenly become more scarce at home. Where is his or her cell phone? Why is it password protected?
The same goes for the laptop, desktop, tablet, or other devices that may have access to personal information.
It may be a good idea to download the text and phone records of the last cell cycle to see if there is one odd number that pops up.
But even then, they may be communicating strictly via or an app that isn’t connected with a phone number. If you ask your partner about seeing their phone and they are completely defensive, that may be a red flag.
Even if you do have access to their or email accounts, it’s pretty easy to set up fake accounts that you may not even realize are there.
3. Your partner uses cash or a secret card
Suddenly his or her financial transactions aren’t public records. For some reason, he or she doesn’t want you to know where things have been purchased or exactly what has been purchased.
If you two used to be more open with finances and suddenly your partner is using cash or a separate card (that you don’t have access to), then there may be a reason.
Your spouse may be trying to hide something. Perhaps there are secret lunches or dinners with someone else who they are falling for emotionally? Or maybe a secret hotel room for a physical affair? Maybe even gifts?
If you do find receipts and ask about them, your partner’s demeanor may be very telling. Usually, spouses may say, “Oh that was for a client.” Which may be true, or it may not be.
This kind of behavior may be a sign of a cheating spouse or a red flag if it’s the ordinary and he or she is secretive about it.
4. Your loved one makes excuses to go out alone or “with friends”
Maybe he or she is suddenly always “late coming home from work” or Wednesday nights at the gym are a little longer than usual. Perhaps there is a new weekly poker night with friends.
These could be legitimate, but overall it just feels off. You should ask, why are you seeing less and less of your partner? It could be legitimate, but if your partner gets snippy even when you just ask about what they are doing, that’s a red flag.
It’s not that you need to know exactly where they are at all times, but it’s just that you get the feeling they aren’t being 100% honest with you.
Your partner may be trying to get alone time with another person they are more emotionally or physically invested in.
5. Your partner is less emotionally and physically available
A relationship takes a lot of effort, and so if your significant other is offering his or her emotional or physical love to someone else, there may not be much left for you.
That’s why when someone cheats, they may typically be less emotionally and physically available to their spouse or partner.
6. Emotional extremes start happening
If your significant other is suddenly acting super nice all the time even when certain things used to annoy them, or if they are angrier with you over trivial things, that is another red flag.
Emotional extremes are usually the result of overwhelming guilt. Your partner may be doing something they know is wrong, and they either feel bad about it or are masking it with anger.
If you suspect your partner may be cheating on you, the best thing you can do is talk about it. Bring up the above signs you have been seeing in a very calm way.
This is definitely not a subject anyone wants to bring up, but it’s better to know sooner than later. You deserve to know the truth, and you deserve to be treated with respect.